I never really gave it much thought at the time when my doctor told me I have body dysmorphia, I was after all the heaviest I have ever been. Why wouldn't I hate myself? I often used the word "disgusting" to describe myself and still at times do. I hated looking at any reflection of myself or any picture of myself. My body had dramatically changed in just one year that I thought it had to be normal to have these feelings about my body.
With all my weight loss so far, which is now 65lbs in total, you'd think I'd be happy. That all that disgust would turn to pride and I would love and be proud of my body, right? Though I am proud of how far of come I still can't get myself to just be proud of the body I have. I'm proud of the distance I've come, yet not proud of shape my body is in. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else. That got me thinking, why can't I just love myself how I am? Big or small? Why do I still cringe when I look in the mirror rather than smile and admire the progress I've made and will continue to make?
Thinking back to my childhood before my weight gain I had always looked the same. I was never skinny nor fat. My body had developed faster than girls my age, I had huge thighs, wide hips, a big butt and my breasts had started developing so by the time I was 10 I had C cups. Because most other girls my age didn't look the same I was looked at as "fat." I remember in 4th grade my two best friends comparing who was skinnier and automatically "disqualifying" me from their "game." Though they didn't mean any harm by it, I still remember it to this day.
I wore clothes that hid me. Baggy jeans and a hoodie regardless of the weather. I'm sure some of my long term friends remember it. Every summer my mom would have to force me to wear shorts and a tshirt. I remember being thankful she let me wear shorts and a tshirt over my swimsuit.
7th grade I started breaking my shell. I wore clothes that complimented my body and even bought my first bikini. Everyone saw that I was becoming confident and comfortable and happy. Little did everyone know that's the year I started starving myself.
I didn't start intentionally, I started because there wasn't a lot of food where I was spending a lot of time. I could have easily asked for more but didn't want to complain. They didn't have a full body mirror where I was staying so I didn't see the changes happening to my body, I didn't even realize what I was doing. I went home for a visit and saw myself for the first time and I liked what I saw. The first time I had ever lost weight. That's when I was hooked. I loved the way I looked and as bizarre as it sounds, I was addicted to the feeling of my stomach eating itself. No one noticed. When I tell people now I have some reply with "No you didn't." I hid it from everyone for about 2 years and no one had a clue.
I had a year where I didn't starve myself where I continued being confident in my skin. I still poked and picked at myself and sucked in and felt like I could be prettier but no one seemed to notice my insecurities. I have only had one slip up since then due to the frustration while trying to lose weight about 4 years ago.
My rapid weight gain was caused by being put on a birth control. I was on the depo for about a year and I went from 110-125lbs to about 190lbs IN A YEAR! I did everything to lose it, including returning to my eating disorder for about a week. I was consulting with my doctor, seeing two nutritionalist, following their meal and workout recommendations they were making for me RELIGIOUSLY only for me to bump up to 200lbs. They didn’t believe I was following their recommendations and told me they were done helping me. I was discouraged and can easily say I hated myself.
I ended up going to see a new doctor. I KNEW something was wrong and I needed a second opinion. I almost immediately found out that I had a thyroid disease which was, in his own words, “in a way activated by your birth control.” and he was the first person to tell me that my weight gain and inability to loose weight wasn’t my fault. He also happened to be the doctor who found out I have body dysmorphia. Soon after being on the proper meds, eating clean and working out regularly, the weight started to slowly shed. The past almost 4 years now I have slowly shed off 65lbs going from 200lbs to 135lbs. Standing at a whopping 4 feet 11 inches tall, that is still considered to be obese and I do plan to shed off a little more of the weight. I’ll say this again because I think it’s important, I am proud of how far I’ve come, I’m just not happy. Yet.
My whole life I have been picking at myself. "Well if I just lost this much weight I'd be pretty." Body dysmorphia isn't as simple as "I don't like how I look." Is life controlling. It's worrying if people will notice you're dressing slightly different than usual. It's wondering if someone will notice that tiny scar on your cheek. It's being afraid to do anything because you're afraid that everyone is looking at you, judging you. How can I find beauty in everyone else and preach self love when I can't do the same for myself?
That's when I realized that I'm a perfect person to preach it. I'm working every single day towards loving myself. Not only loving my physical self, but my mental and emotional self. I have pushed myself in ways especially this past year that my anxiety held me back from. I can actually officially go to a gym and complete a workout without having an anxiety attack in the car on the way only to back out all together. It is a constant battle for me and will continue to be, but I do believe someday I will through and through love myself. One day I will be able to look in the mirror and smile not because of how far I've come, but because of where I am and who I am. Someday every "flaw" I've ever seen will be beautiful to me. I WILL love myself.
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